Wooden Spoons and Chardonnay

I cook a LOT of shit with cheese, butter and wine.  Just sayin.

So, tonight my son came up to me and asked me if I'd make some Chicken Alfredo. I almost told him to go fuck himself because I'm a bit on the pissy side today, but I thought, "What the hell."  Since my husband has been on this new "I can't eat anything but Alpo and Oranges diet", my kitchen has been boring as fuck. Seriously. My butter hasn't seen the light of day. I haven't bought heavy cream in 3 months. My parmesan cheese has been frozen in the freezer and my olive oil asked me for a divorce. Bit of a funk, eh? So, I ran to the store, fast. The way a pedophile runs to the nearest playground and I went NUTS buying GOOD shit! $7 parmesan! Heavy Cream! Cream cheese! 7 cheese shredded blend mix! WINE! Chicken bouillion and EGG freaking noodles. I had a culinary orgasm. Right in aisle 7. The biggest thing I had to debate was how many bottles of wine I needed to buy. I mean, I knew afterall, that I needed some wine in the sauce, I just couldn...

So, Paula Deen has recently announced that she has Type 2 Diabetes and not suprisingly has suddenly become a spokeswoman for Diabetes medication. (there's a fucking shock) What makes me laugh are people who think this is some kind of news. I mean, here is this chunky southern woman, who can't go without saying "Ya'll" fifty times in a sentence on TV teaching people how to make hoho cakes and twinkie pies. I mean this woman eats Crisco with a spoon for chrissakes. So, now that she's contracted this disease and has signed on to become a spokesperson for Diabetes medication, she's going to preach to people about healthy eating? What horseshit. I've never, ever liked Paula Deen. Just listening to her talk makes me want to die. I had to laugh this morning as I read this excerpt from People Magazine Online this morning. It features the feud between Paula and Anthony Bourdain, whom I adore. He's a straight shooter who tells it like it is and...

So, if you've ever eaten at Red Lobster you've probably had the biscuits. You know what I'm talking about; those delicious, lip-smacking mounds of carbohydrates that we all love to eat. You might even be one of those people who wrap them in napkins and stuff them in your purse and then coyly ask the waitress for more (like me)....Well, she knows what you are up to, you fat ass. You are stealing the biscuits. Everybody knows it because everybody does it. Those biscuits are the shit and you can't get enough. You've probably scoured the internet for the recipe like I have-only to be disappointed over and over again because every recipe sucks and just doesn't taste the same. There are a ton of recipes out there, but none are quite like Red Lobster's. Believe me, I know. I've tried them all. Well, I've finally come up with a recipe that's close. I'm not going to boast and say that mine are the best, because they're not. I don't have a fu...