Wooden Spoons and Chardonnay

So, my mom bought me a subscription for "Taste of Home" food magazine and I just recieved my first issue yesterday. I've got to say, it's a pretty good magazine. I really like the pictures, plus you get to use scissors to cut things out. Yippe! A magazine right up my alley. Thanks Mom! So, I decided I'd give it a looky-see last night while I had a bath. I was sipping on Pinot Grigio and soaking in the tub, thumbing through the magazine when I came to page 11. The title was "In a Pickle." Hmmmmm.....Apparantly TOH thinks the following recipes will make your family's tiny little taste buds just pop right the fuck out of their mouths. I beg to differ. I'm all for enjoying a good pickle every now and then, I mean, what's life without a little pickle? I have to tell you though, after reading these pickle recipe suggestions from some of the editors, all I can say is this. What the fuck are you people thinking? If I even considered serving...

So, I have decided that I am going to host a cooking class. Kind of like a cooking show, I might even have someone film it. BUT, I will probably drink lots of wine first, so that when I drop something I can randomly scream "Fuck That!" and then throw shit all over the kitchen. That is the kind of cooking show I want to watch. Not this bullshit where Rachel Ray balances 500 ingredients on her fatass grubby arms and walks around yelling "sammies" and "yummo". Fuck that bitch. I want to see her drop some shit! Trip on something. Liven the show up Bitch! Ugh. Had enough of her. Maybe I can wear a shirt like Giada does, you know, to show off the boobies. That's the only reason people watch her. They could give a flying shit about her goddamn ravioli. Chef Boy ar Dee I say. Nobody needs Giada for ravioli! They just want to see her boobs! So, I'm going to host a cooking class. I already took a poll and it looks like everyone wants to come! It will ...

Well, I made Shrimp Scampi version 1, I think. It was sooooooooooo good. Knocked it out of the fucking park. OMG, you have to try it. Food is gone. Wine is gone. Bread is gone. That is all that matters!

So, it has been a while since I've posted anything. Well, it's been an interesting fucking week. Hubby was admitted to the hospital last week. Again. Turns out he had three more blockages and they had to do an Angio. Poor guy now has 9 stents! I SWEAR it wasn't my fault!!! I hold back the butter at all costs although I eat a stick of it whenever I can.... I may have to turn my blog into "Cooking Delicious Meals for Heart Patients". Anyhow, hubby is out and doing fine. I have a vacation day today so since I need to cook something healthy for the hubster, I think I'm going to whip up my healthy version of Shrimp Scampi today. It's got lotsa goodies in it like fresh portabello mushrooms, fresh tomatoes, shrimps, olive oil and all kinds of little herbs and LOADS of garlic and WINE. All of my favorites. Who the hell wants to eat bland fish and tasteless rice? I think NOT! Hmmm. Maybe I should become a master at cooking good food for sick people! I...

So, again I am going to post something totally unrelated to my cooking, but funny as fuck. So I figure, who gives a shit. I'll still post recipes and in between, I'll tell funny stories. Met some friends tonight for some drinks and I actually ordered some food. Not that I'm a restaurant food snob or anything like that, I just don't normally eat things other people prepare....I'm odd like that. Not in a "straight jacket" kind of way, but still. I like to know where my shit comes from. So, I order, get this, a Philly Cheese Steak Platter AND 6 Teriyaki wings! Holy shit. LOL. Too much food. I manage to choke down the cheese steak, which actually had some good meat. The fries were cold as shit and I had to go in search of my own ketchup. Who the hell gives someone a platter with fries and doesn't set a fucking bottle of ketchup on the table? UGH. So, after I demolished the cheese steak platter, I managed to nibble on two of the wings and just couldn...

And so today I am posting more recipes in between trying to work my 9-5 job.  As a reminder, some of the recipes are my own ORIGINAL recipes- some of which, have been published. Others are recipes that I found somewhere, tried out and decided they were worthy of reposting.  Or, I may have eaten something at a restaurant and decided to try to recreate it at home.  I promise I won't post a shitty recipe. Some are easy and some are time consuming, but if you read my cooking tips you should have no problems. Ciao Bella

I'm still  trying to figure out this obsession that Americans have with eating three meals a day. I mean, what the shit? I don't need three meals a day to survive and I know for a fact that 3/4 of all Americans definitely don't need three meals a day. Just look at their fat asses when they pass you on the street. I want to scream, "'Stop! Lay off the Chipotle and KFC you fat asses!" But, I hold it back.  Sometimes I do have restraint.  Still....it bothers me. All of those muffin tops. Good Lord. If you are going to try to cram your size 22 butt into size 12 jeans at least put on something that covers that flab! I have a wonderful family, I truly do. But the men in my family expect three meals a day. Every day. So, I've been cooking for my family for like, lets just say, 20 years now.  Luckily, the men in my family have a high metabolism and are in no way close to being fat asses but just think about it. 20 years of three meals a day. That's ...