Wooden Spoons and Chardonnay

Merry Effing Christmas! It's that time of year again! Time to cook, bake, stir, whip and frost... and no, I'm not talking about your kids....It's time to make the goodies. Every year I spend countless hours in the kitchen whipping up my family's favorite Christmas treats. Nothing is more satisfying than having a broken back and being covered in cookie dough and cream cheese frosting. It's the time of year when you can't walk across the kitchen floor without slipping on PAM cooking spray or having the cat stick to the gobs of frosting that fell on the floor...But, it's a treat.   Most of the recipes that I use have been handed down in my family for years. Generally, they are pretty easy recipes which require few ingredients. These cookies, brownies, fudge and candy recipes are basically the shit as long as you follow directions. It literally takes me hours and a boatload of money to shop for everything and days upon days to finish all the baking, but t...

Well, the weather officially sucks in Northeast Ohio, so I am going to start posting some of my favorite comfort food recipes.. Problem is, I've never actually measured any of these ingredients....I just kind of throw random shit in the pot and keep tasting till I think the flavor is right..... So, I will do the best that I can. You can find these new recipes under "Soups and Stews". Enjoy!

So, we've all had that surprise moment when you find out you are having unexpected company for dinner. It's one of those WTF moments......Then oh shit, what the hell am I going to do. How do I make this dinner for four expand to feed 6? Luckily for me, I like to cook and I generally don't mind company....unless I'm sick or hungover. Then stay the hell away..... I'm the kind of person though, who likes to impress with my cooking and my hostessing. So, when I have unexpected company that I didn't plan a spectacular dinner for, I have to improvise... Here are some of the things that I do to "fancy" up my meals when I wasn't even fucking prepared to do so in the first place. Main course: Well, unfortunately, at the point where you find out you are having unexpected guests...you've probably already started your meal if it's not already even done..So, there isn't much you can do about this. ...This happened to me today. Luckily, I was...

So, we were invited to my Sister-in-law's house for a cookout a few weeks ago and I haven't written about it yet because it's taken me this long to get over it....so, I'll tell you the story. I always LOVE going to Karen's (name changed to protect the innocent) house for dinner because she is an awesome cook and she is very Martha Stewartish. From the fresh made lemonade with sprigs of just-picked mint floating in it, to the handmade placemats and name tags.....she really knows how to impress. I get very excited when we get invited. But, there is ONE small drawback. My brother in law is a hunter... So, you never know what might turn up on the dinner table. Usually, it will be venison. As we were getting ready to leave I looked at my daughter Sara, and said, "God, I really hope they are NOT serving deer today. Anything but fucking Bambi, because I will be hitting McD's on the way home." Yup, for sure....we were both pretty clear on this. So, w...

So, I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't be back till Sunday. Soooooo, I decided that rather than getting ten phone calls saying "What can we eat", every five minutes.......I would make enough food to last them until I get home. Shit, you would think I'm leaving for Bangladesh or something.... I made the Cheese Tortellini with the Alla Vodka Sauce, and dammit, I gotta say..I fucking love this dish. OMG. Every time I eat it, it's kind of like a mini orgasm, only without the wet spot afterward. Then, I made a big ol pot of homemade chicken noodle soup, which I have to say, was pretty fucking good too. I'm going to actually post it. I have two soups that I do well. One is French Onion and the other is Chicken Noodle. I really need to get a handle on the potato cheddar soup, and when I do, you will know it. So dear friends and readers of mine....it may sound gay, but I'm going to post the chicken noodle soup recipe. Who'd have thought that t...

So, my mom bought me a subscription for "Taste of Home" food magazine and I just recieved my first issue yesterday. I've got to say, it's a pretty good magazine. I really like the pictures, plus you get to use scissors to cut things out. Yippe! A magazine right up my alley. Thanks Mom! So, I decided I'd give it a looky-see last night while I had a bath. I was sipping on Pinot Grigio and soaking in the tub, thumbing through the magazine when I came to page 11. The title was "In a Pickle." Hmmmmm.....Apparantly TOH thinks the following recipes will make your family's tiny little taste buds just pop right the fuck out of their mouths. I beg to differ. I'm all for enjoying a good pickle every now and then, I mean, what's life without a little pickle? I have to tell you though, after reading these pickle recipe suggestions from some of the editors, all I can say is this. What the fuck are you people thinking? If I even considered serving...

So, I have decided that I am going to host a cooking class. Kind of like a cooking show, I might even have someone film it. BUT, I will probably drink lots of wine first, so that when I drop something I can randomly scream "Fuck That!" and then throw shit all over the kitchen. That is the kind of cooking show I want to watch. Not this bullshit where Rachel Ray balances 500 ingredients on her fatass grubby arms and walks around yelling "sammies" and "yummo". Fuck that bitch. I want to see her drop some shit! Trip on something. Liven the show up Bitch! Ugh. Had enough of her. Maybe I can wear a shirt like Giada does, you know, to show off the boobies. That's the only reason people watch her. They could give a flying shit about her goddamn ravioli. Chef Boy ar Dee I say. Nobody needs Giada for ravioli! They just want to see her boobs! So, I'm going to host a cooking class. I already took a poll and it looks like everyone wants to come! It will ...