Wooden Spoons and Chardonnay

So, I thawed out a pacakge of boneless, skinless chicken breasts and I'm staring at them thinking "I wonder how many more times I will have to cook chicken before I die?" Really. A hundred? Two hundred? A thousand? I'm not sure I can stand it. I really need a new way to cook chicken.  Today I was thinking maybe breaded chicken....so I google "breaded chicken breasts" and scan through hundreds of really shitty-sounding recipes, you know how it goes:   "Best EVER Chicken!"   "Most delicious chicken recipe!"  "Easy and Awesome breaded chicken!" Blah, blah, blah. They all claim the same thing: My fucking chicken recipe is simply the best ever . Well, bullshit I say. I'm not quite sure ANYbody's recipe qualifies for that honor. I've had decent chicken in my life, but I'm sorry. No chicken meal has EVER given me an orgasm. Prime Rib, yes. Beef Tenderloin, Yes. Lobster, Oh hell yes. But chicken? UGH. So, I sigh and r...

Merry Effing Christmas! It's that time of year again! Time to cook, bake, stir, whip and frost... and no, I'm not talking about your kids....It's time to make the goodies. Every year I spend countless hours in the kitchen whipping up my family's favorite Christmas treats. Nothing is more satisfying than having a broken back and being covered in cookie dough and cream cheese frosting. It's the time of year when you can't walk across the kitchen floor without slipping on PAM cooking spray or having the cat stick to the gobs of frosting that fell on the floor...But, it's a treat.   Most of the recipes that I use have been handed down in my family for years. Generally, they are pretty easy recipes which require few ingredients. These cookies, brownies, fudge and candy recipes are basically the shit as long as you follow directions. It literally takes me hours and a boatload of money to shop for everything and days upon days to finish all the baking, but t...

Well, the weather officially sucks in Northeast Ohio, so I am going to start posting some of my favorite comfort food recipes.. Problem is, I've never actually measured any of these ingredients....I just kind of throw random shit in the pot and keep tasting till I think the flavor is right..... So, I will do the best that I can. You can find these new recipes under "Soups and Stews". Enjoy!

So, we've all had that surprise moment when you find out you are having unexpected company for dinner. It's one of those WTF moments......Then oh shit, what the hell am I going to do. How do I make this dinner for four expand to feed 6? Luckily for me, I like to cook and I generally don't mind company....unless I'm sick or hungover. Then stay the hell away..... I'm the kind of person though, who likes to impress with my cooking and my hostessing. So, when I have unexpected company that I didn't plan a spectacular dinner for, I have to improvise... Here are some of the things that I do to "fancy" up my meals when I wasn't even fucking prepared to do so in the first place. Main course: Well, unfortunately, at the point where you find out you are having unexpected guests...you've probably already started your meal if it's not already even done..So, there isn't much you can do about this. ...This happened to me today. Luckily, I was...

So, we were invited to my Sister-in-law's house for a cookout a few weeks ago and I haven't written about it yet because it's taken me this long to get over it....so, I'll tell you the story. I always LOVE going to Karen's (name changed to protect the innocent) house for dinner because she is an awesome cook and she is very Martha Stewartish. From the fresh made lemonade with sprigs of just-picked mint floating in it, to the handmade placemats and name tags.....she really knows how to impress. I get very excited when we get invited. But, there is ONE small drawback. My brother in law is a hunter... So, you never know what might turn up on the dinner table. Usually, it will be venison. As we were getting ready to leave I looked at my daughter Sara, and said, "God, I really hope they are NOT serving deer today. Anything but fucking Bambi, because I will be hitting McD's on the way home." Yup, for sure....we were both pretty clear on this. So, w...

So, I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't be back till Sunday. Soooooo, I decided that rather than getting ten phone calls saying "What can we eat", every five minutes.......I would make enough food to last them until I get home. Shit, you would think I'm leaving for Bangladesh or something.... I made the Cheese Tortellini with the Alla Vodka Sauce, and dammit, I gotta say..I fucking love this dish. OMG. Every time I eat it, it's kind of like a mini orgasm, only without the wet spot afterward. Then, I made a big ol pot of homemade chicken noodle soup, which I have to say, was pretty fucking good too. I'm going to actually post it. I have two soups that I do well. One is French Onion and the other is Chicken Noodle. I really need to get a handle on the potato cheddar soup, and when I do, you will know it. So dear friends and readers of mine....it may sound gay, but I'm going to post the chicken noodle soup recipe. Who'd have thought that t...

So, my mom bought me a subscription for "Taste of Home" food magazine and I just recieved my first issue yesterday. I've got to say, it's a pretty good magazine. I really like the pictures, plus you get to use scissors to cut things out. Yippe! A magazine right up my alley. Thanks Mom! So, I decided I'd give it a looky-see last night while I had a bath. I was sipping on Pinot Grigio and soaking in the tub, thumbing through the magazine when I came to page 11. The title was "In a Pickle." Hmmmmm.....Apparantly TOH thinks the following recipes will make your family's tiny little taste buds just pop right the fuck out of their mouths. I beg to differ. I'm all for enjoying a good pickle every now and then, I mean, what's life without a little pickle? I have to tell you though, after reading these pickle recipe suggestions from some of the editors, all I can say is this. What the fuck are you people thinking? If I even considered serving...

So, I have decided that I am going to host a cooking class. Kind of like a cooking show, I might even have someone film it. BUT, I will probably drink lots of wine first, so that when I drop something I can randomly scream "Fuck That!" and then throw shit all over the kitchen. That is the kind of cooking show I want to watch. Not this bullshit where Rachel Ray balances 500 ingredients on her fatass grubby arms and walks around yelling "sammies" and "yummo". Fuck that bitch. I want to see her drop some shit! Trip on something. Liven the show up Bitch! Ugh. Had enough of her. Maybe I can wear a shirt like Giada does, you know, to show off the boobies. That's the only reason people watch her. They could give a flying shit about her goddamn ravioli. Chef Boy ar Dee I say. Nobody needs Giada for ravioli! They just want to see her boobs! So, I'm going to host a cooking class. I already took a poll and it looks like everyone wants to come! It will ...

Well, I made Shrimp Scampi version 1, I think. It was sooooooooooo good. Knocked it out of the fucking park. OMG, you have to try it. Food is gone. Wine is gone. Bread is gone. That is all that matters!

So, it has been a while since I've posted anything. Well, it's been an interesting fucking week. Hubby was admitted to the hospital last week. Again. Turns out he had three more blockages and they had to do an Angio. Poor guy now has 9 stents! I SWEAR it wasn't my fault!!! I hold back the butter at all costs although I eat a stick of it whenever I can.... I may have to turn my blog into "Cooking Delicious Meals for Heart Patients". Anyhow, hubby is out and doing fine. I have a vacation day today so since I need to cook something healthy for the hubster, I think I'm going to whip up my healthy version of Shrimp Scampi today. It's got lotsa goodies in it like fresh portabello mushrooms, fresh tomatoes, shrimps, olive oil and all kinds of little herbs and LOADS of garlic and WINE. All of my favorites. Who the hell wants to eat bland fish and tasteless rice? I think NOT! Hmmm. Maybe I should become a master at cooking good food for sick people! I...

So, again I am going to post something totally unrelated to my cooking, but funny as fuck. So I figure, who gives a shit. I'll still post recipes and in between, I'll tell funny stories. Met some friends tonight for some drinks and I actually ordered some food. Not that I'm a restaurant food snob or anything like that, I just don't normally eat things other people prepare....I'm odd like that. Not in a "straight jacket" kind of way, but still. I like to know where my shit comes from. So, I order, get this, a Philly Cheese Steak Platter AND 6 Teriyaki wings! Holy shit. LOL. Too much food. I manage to choke down the cheese steak, which actually had some good meat. The fries were cold as shit and I had to go in search of my own ketchup. Who the hell gives someone a platter with fries and doesn't set a fucking bottle of ketchup on the table? UGH. So, after I demolished the cheese steak platter, I managed to nibble on two of the wings and just couldn...

And so today I am posting more recipes in between trying to work my 9-5 job.  As a reminder, some of the recipes are my own ORIGINAL recipes- some of which, have been published. Others are recipes that I found somewhere, tried out and decided they were worthy of reposting.  Or, I may have eaten something at a restaurant and decided to try to recreate it at home.  I promise I won't post a shitty recipe. Some are easy and some are time consuming, but if you read my cooking tips you should have no problems. Ciao Bella

I'm still  trying to figure out this obsession that Americans have with eating three meals a day. I mean, what the shit? I don't need three meals a day to survive and I know for a fact that 3/4 of all Americans definitely don't need three meals a day. Just look at their fat asses when they pass you on the street. I want to scream, "'Stop! Lay off the Chipotle and KFC you fat asses!" But, I hold it back.  Sometimes I do have restraint.  Still....it bothers me. All of those muffin tops. Good Lord. If you are going to try to cram your size 22 butt into size 12 jeans at least put on something that covers that flab! I have a wonderful family, I truly do. But the men in my family expect three meals a day. Every day. So, I've been cooking for my family for like, lets just say, 20 years now.  Luckily, the men in my family have a high metabolism and are in no way close to being fat asses but just think about it. 20 years of three meals a day. That's ...

Not only does her cooking suck, but so does her taste in lingerie!

Whipping up my version of Applebee's Three Cheese Chicken Penne Sauce Always with the bottle of white. Baking cookies at Sue's house during Christmas Break It's cookie hell, but that's ok. I have my wine. So, this year my daughter baked the gingerbread men. She thought they were rather fat so we had to figure out something to do with them. Below was our creation. Cartman the Christmas Gingerbread Man!

This has nothing to do with my cooking, but had to post this story. So, I go to Mc Donalds the other day for a quick hangover fix. Gotta have the soda and grease. It works every time. So, I go through the drive thru and place my usual order: Cheeseburger-NO pickles, small fry and a small coke....I pull around and there is a Dumb ass waiting for me with a dumb look on his dumb face and no smile. (whatever happened to service with a smile?) I smile my biggest smile, give him my money and get my change. Then the guy hands me my coke and closes the window. No Straw! I'm like, "What the fuck?" So, I rap on the window and say "Dude, can I get a straw?" Dumb ass looks at me and says "It will be in the bag." So, I say, "Dude! I want to drink my coke now, can I please have a straw?" AGAIN, Dumb ass says "It will be in the bag." Well great, so I say, "Dude, but I'm thirsty now!" He looks at me, "Your food will be ...

If someone had told me that I would ever enjoy a Little Weiner, I'd have spit my drink all over them. But... let me tell you, I stumbled across a recipe using Little Weiners and it turned out to be one of my favorites. Everyone asks for the recipe and I think you will too. Three of the best things in life are in this recipe: Weiners Bacon Sugar I'm not kidding. I will post my Little Weiner recipe under appetizers. Try it out and then let me know if you also come to enjoy Little Weiners. Oh the little things in life......

So...as you know by know, I love love love to cook beef tenderloin. Especially when I can find it on the cheap. Nothing can beat it. Screw Sirloin, I say if you can find Tenderloin like I can for 3.99 a pound, grab your damn money and buy as much of it as you can. So...I thought I would try tenderloin on the grill vs tenderloin slow roasted in the oven. Well, fuck it. Don't bother. It was a huge waste of time trying to saute my mushrooms and garlic in the kitchen and keep running outside to make sure my meat wasn't on fire. There was no difference in taste and just a very minimal difference in texture. Save yourself the trouble and just keep slow roasting in the oven. It's also hard to drink a nice glass of Pinot Gris while you are running in and out. I kept leaving my glass by the grill, so finally I gave up and poured another glass to keep by the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say that bottle went FAST. Used to be one bottle of wine would be satisfactory while I...

So, I made some Tequila Lime Chicken last night which I was really excited about cooking as I had never made it before. I even ran out on my lunch hour to buy some tequila for the recipe. Well, I followed the recipe and I'm just not sure what went wrong, but it really sucked! I mean, it wasn't "throw up in your mouth" kind of sucky, but it just didn't taste, I don't know, what is the word I'm looking for..... Good . It just didn't taste good! I hate it when I run out and buy a bunch of ingredients and spend a shitload of money and then the recipe turns out sucking. I guess this is why I'm really careful about the recipes I post here. Needless to say, I won't be posting this recipe any time soon. What I should have done was chugged the rest of the bottle of tequila and made some hotdogs, but I served the food anyhow. Everyone ate it, but not with that usual gusto I see when I know I've knocked a recipe out of the park. Live and ...

Well, I finally sat down and typed up one of Julia's crepe recipes. I hope you enjoy it. You'll notice that the recipe (as well as mine), contains BUTTER. Please go back to one of my first posts about BUTTER. Read it well and remember, if you substitute margarine (gag) for butter in ANY of these recipes, I'm sorry, but it just won't be as good. Butter is king and don't forget it. >>>Sue

So, I'll admit it. Along with wine, vodka or anything containing alcohol for that matter, I am obsessed with paper towels. Funny thing, huh? Paper towels. I'm a pretty fussy cook and I like to be clean. So, nothing is more annoying or DISGUSTING than finding hair, fur or dustballs in your food. Or anyone ELSE's food for that matter. Especially my mom's, but that is another story. Whenever I cook, I forgo the hand towel in favor of the paper towel for one main reason. There is not crap all stuck to my paper towels like what happens to the average hand towel laying around the kitchen. No matter what I touch or wipe, I use a paper towel. Even when I take CLEAN dishes out of the cupboard, I still wipe them with a paper towel. My daughter thought I had kind of lost it when I was explaining this to her but, AHA, I caught her doing it the last time she made cookies. She finally understood my reasoning after trying to grease down a pan with hands that she just dried off ...

So, I have looked and looked and finally found the BEST recipe for crepes ever. Even when I went to the West Side Market in Cleveland and had the so-called fucking Crepe King stand behind us in the crepe line and proclaim his crepe sauce the best of all time, I still thought, fuck you Crepe King. Julia rules...and my sister and I are fucking tired of listening to you brag about your stupid ass crepe recipe. I have already found the BEST crepe recipe. So, my poor sister had to sit and listen while this self absorbed man attempted to tell her why his crepe batter was best. UGH. So, I will repost Julia's recipe (which after at least 10 recipe attempts is the best) but first, I'll post mine, which I have to admit is my own little baby recipe, that in a pinch, I make, almost every night when I have the muchies for crepes. It's very easy. But you kind of have to know how to make a crepe, or at the very least a freaking pancake! It just takes practice.

So, once upon a time. I went with my sister for lunch. We went to a very fancy mall and ate at a place called Brio. My lunch cost 42.00. I'm not shitting you. So. When I ate their very delicate ravioli with the pasta alla vodka sauce, I HAD to figure out how to duplicate it. So, I have. And I will share it with you. You don't have to be a genius or have many ingredients on hand. So here it is. It will kick your ass! It will be listed under Main Dishes.

Just wondered if you were aware that when making your own pasta sauce, instead of adding sugar you should mince a carrot and toss it in. Carrots are a natural sweetener. Just sayin.

So, I have to apologize for slacking off. Even though I suspect nobody is really reading this blog, I really do need to update it. I confess I have been distracted by planning this trip to San Francisco, Monterey, Napa, etc...I can't wait to get away. I'm pumped up about trying all the new food and I'm especially excited about all of the wine tours that I have booked..... I will really try to add some more recipes soon. And, a shot from Little Italy, San Francisco

It is official. I have probably tried at least 10 different crepe recipes. They all say theirs is the best. Well, I have news for you. The best, and by far best of all is Julia's crepe recipe. I'm too lazy to post it tonight. But I will post it. You won't be disappointed.

coming soon....

If you had asked me 10 or 15 years ago if tenderloin/filet mignon would be something I would serve my family often, I'd have laughed till I peed my pantaloons. I remember days when I sat at the deli agonizing over ham. Damn, I really want the honey ham, but it's 5.99 a pound. Chip chop ham is 1.99.. But I hate chip chop ham, I really want that freaking honey ham. But instead, I went home with the shitty part of the pig instead. So, ask me if I'd be cooking filet mignon for my family on a semi-regular basis and I'd have said you were nuts. If you buy meat often, or steaks for that matter, think about the price and then calculate just how much of that meat you trim and cut off....bone, fat, gristle....You may pay 3.99 for a cheap cut of meat, but it's cheap and you wind up cutting half of it off before you even cook it. In my neighborhood I can find some really killer deals on tenderloin a few times a year. The cheapest I have found is 3.99 a pound. Yes, 3.99 believ...

When some people read my posts or my latest facebook updates, they say "Oh my God, how do you find the time to cook like that, it must be so hard!" Little do they know that I have 3 very picky teenagers who almost NEVER try my gourmet meals unless they involve steak or possibly bacon. As I whip up my Fondue de Poulet Ala Creme I'm also hard at work whipping up a homemade pizza for the brats who won't eat what I put on the table. Sigh..yes this is how most of the mealtimes go here at my crazy place. NOTE to new moms everywhere. When your children are little FEED THEM EVERYTHING. Even if you hate it. I made the ginormous stupid ass mistake of not feeding my kids anything I didn't like and let me tell you, there is a lot I don't like. Most things that are green for example..Basically I ruined my children's palates. I pray they will outgrow their aversion to anything that contains a cream sauce or a sauteed vegetable. So, as I whip up gourmet meal number ...

Thank God for good wine.

Not much to say. Had nothing gourmet to cook today. I worked 9.5 hours and then had to cook. WTF do you cook when you are working? Well, we made some homemade pasta salad. Two meaty burgers for the boys with worchestire, teriyaki and some great seasoned salt. I bought some great giant potatos at the store .25cents each. Cant beat that. Sliced em real thin and fried em up for fair-style french fries. YUM. Best part of the meal. Oh, and had to try to make a turkey burger taste delicious for hubby. Sorry page, it wasn't much of a gourmet meal, but it did the trick. Not many mommies work 9.5 and then cook a full meal. So if you don't like it, screw off.

Well, I posted my first recipe today. Look under the page, Recipes.. Recipes..Recipes. This was the first recipe I ever had published. Of course when I wrote it, I didn't take into account the hundreds of people who would actually read it and try it out. The critics were kind of hard to take at first, but hey, if you don't realize on your own that you can substitute button mushrooms for crimini mushrooms, then that is your tough shit. You also don't have to use filet mignon. I only used it because I was trying to copy a recipe from a restaurant. Sirloin works just as well. I laugh at some of the comments because people say it takes "sooooooooooooooo long" and that is just hilarious to me. I'm guessing it's because they haven't seen the inside of the kitchen in a long time. It doesn't take a long time as long as you are prepared. Oh, and you can forgo the crab stuffing if you're feeling lazy or just plain hate crab. It doesn't matter...

Today we are having pasta and I'm making Giada's bolognese sauce. So far, I'm not too terribly impressed. Actually, I've cooked a few of her dishes and none of them were very impressive. About the only thing I'm impressed with of Giada's are her boobs. Lord knows you see them enough on her show. sigh....ok, so back to the sauce. After I threw together Giada's very bland sauce, I googled bolognese and found a myriad of recipes out there...some call for milk, some call for dry white wine. Giada's called for neither. I lifted the lid on my sauce and added both. I had to keep adding and adding to get any kind of flavor whatsoever. So, when the final product is done, if it turns out decent, I will post my modified recipe.

It truly is ALL about butter. When you were young and you sang the Hokey Pokey, did you ever wonder what IT was all about? Well, I'll tell you....Butter. It was about butter. For all of you cholesterol-fearing, margarine freaks out there, take a breath. Butter will NOT kill you. As long as you're not eating sticks of butter, you will be fine. Yes, I watched Julie and Julia. Yes I have Julia Child's cookbooks.....LOVED that movie and I love butter, so I have something in common with Julia Child. Oh, and Julia liked to drink. So do I! Coincidence? I think not! For every recipe that gives you the choice of butter or margarine, Please, please please.....Choose Butter! It makes all the difference in the world. A little butter goes a long way. Besides, have you ever read the ingredient list for margarine? Ingredients for a nuclear bomb that is what margarine contains!

I've always wanted to do this, but I have no idea where to start first. I guess I'll start with my name...... I'm Sue and I'm not that old yet. I'm a mom of three teenagers, a wife, a closet chef and a wine freak. I do have a day job as a corporate travel agent. Sounds glamorous, but it's not. I love to cook and I love to drink. Some people will tell you that I have a foul mouth. Don't believe a damn thing you hear. They are just jealous. I'm writing this blog for fun I think. I have always loved to write and I figure writing and cooking go together.... Writing, cooking and drinking....not so much... So, this is my first post on this blog page and hopefully I will figure this all out and create a really cool blog. My inspiration for cooking meals at home really didn't come about because I wanted to be a slave to my kitchen, rather it came about because back in the day-when my husband and I first got married and had kids, we could never afford...