Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Lady Bitches

Well, it's that time of the year again. Fall is upon us- the leaves are changing and dropping like saggy old-women tits, and the evenings are getting frosty. 

It's also time for that annual fuck fest I like to call the Lady Bitch Bonanza. Oh, you don't know what I'm referring to?  Well, if you live in the country, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The ignorant look at them and exclaim "Oh MY look at all of those gorgeous Lady Bugs!"  And I'm like, "Um, no. Those ain't no Ladies. They's bitches. Lady Bitches."  But the ignorant don't believe a thing you say. Until one of those ferocious motherfuckers lands on their arm and bites the shit out of them. It happens every year, usually after the weather turns to shit for a few weeks and then one gloriously sunny day in October, the heavens open up and the Lady Bitches rain down. Everywhere.  Look down, it's a scary little fucker isn't it? 

The Lady Bitches are relentless and you really have to try to keep them out of your house. If you don't, they will most certainly congregate in the farthest corner of your highest ceiling and they won't come down until spring.  If you look up, you can see them there in the corner, looking like a beaver with the biggest bush you've ever seen. Just sitting there, lurking. Waiting.  

Then suddenly in the spring, when the weather warms up again, the little bitches start to fall from the ceiling.  Watch where you step, not only are they biting bitches from hell, but they smell like shit if you squash one of them.  

I still haven't figured out how to keep them away. It's virtually impossible. I do know that staying drunk for the 2-3 days they are around helps to alleviate my irritation. 

May the force be with you....and some good vodka!