Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pickles!

So, my mom bought me a subscription for "Taste of Home" food magazine and I just recieved my first issue yesterday. I've got to say, it's a pretty good magazine. I really like the pictures, plus you get to use scissors to cut things out. Yippe! A magazine right up my alley. Thanks Mom!

So, I decided I'd give it a looky-see last night while I had a bath.
I was sipping on Pinot Grigio and soaking in the tub, thumbing through the magazine when I came to page 11. The title was "In a Pickle." Hmmmmm.....Apparantly TOH thinks the following recipes will make your family's tiny little taste buds just pop right the fuck out of their mouths. I beg to differ.

I'm all for enjoying a good pickle every now and then, I mean, what's life without a little pickle? I have to tell you though, after reading these pickle recipe suggestions from some of the editors, all I can say is this. What the fuck are you people thinking?

If I even considered serving my family a "Traditional, gooey, cheese pizza topped with crunchy dill pickle spears cut into chunks and baked in the oven", they would chase me down and poke my eyes out with a skewer! Are you kidding? Pickles and Pizza? Are these bitches pregnant? Wait! Here are a few other of their Pickle Recipes:

Stuffed Pickles: sliced a pickle and stuff it with cream cheese, jalapenos, cilantro and pimento. Yumm-O

Thick sliced deli ham, spread with cream cheese and wrapped around a large whole pickle, cut into 1 inch slices. Bravo!!!

A crusy rye dinner roll, with caraway and rock salt on top, stuffed with a slice of LIVER SAUSAGE, RED RASPBERRY JAM and slicked pickles. This editor said she ate this every day at college. Well, I'm sure she did because she is a cow. Ugh. I could barely get past the LIVER SAUSAGE part without vomiting all over my keyboard!

How about a nice giant dill pickle wrapped in swiss cheese and SMOTHERED in mayo! OMG, so fucking tasty I can't stand it!

I've got to say, they really "Wowed" me with their recipe suggestions. NOT.
Real people do not eat this shit. So, Ladies, PLEASE......take your pickles and your brilliant ideas and go home! Enough said.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Move your Fat Ass over Rachel Ray!

So, I have decided that I am going to host a cooking class. Kind of like a cooking show, I might even have someone film it. BUT, I will probably drink lots of wine first, so that when I drop something I can randomly scream "Fuck That!" and then throw shit all over the kitchen.

That is the kind of cooking show I want to watch. Not this bullshit where Rachel Ray balances 500 ingredients on her fatass grubby arms and walks around yelling "sammies" and "yummo". Fuck that bitch. I want to see her drop some shit! Trip on something. Liven the show up Bitch! Ugh. Had enough of her.

Maybe I can wear a shirt like Giada does, you know, to show off the boobies.
That's the only reason people watch her. They could give a flying shit about her goddamn ravioli. Chef Boy ar Dee I say. Nobody needs Giada for ravioli! They just want to see her boobs!

So, I'm going to host a cooking class. I already took a poll and it looks like everyone wants to come! It will be fun. I will pass out shots and teach EVERYONE how to carmelize onions, press garlic and burp like a man!

Seriously, it will be fun. I'm going to cook 2 or 3 of my favorite pasta dishes. They are kick ass, so it's a good place to start. If that goes well, then maybe I'll have another.

If you like this idea, then please...HOLLA!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Knocked it out of the Park!

Well,

I made Shrimp Scampi version 1, I think. It was sooooooooooo good. Knocked it out of the fucking park.

OMG, you have to try it.

Food is gone. Wine is gone. Bread is gone.

That is all that matters!

Been a while

So, it has been a while since I've posted anything. Well, it's been an interesting fucking week.

Hubby was admitted to the hospital last week. Again. Turns out he had three more blockages and they had to do an Angio. Poor guy now has 9 stents! I SWEAR it wasn't my fault!!! I hold back the butter at all costs although I eat a stick of it whenever I can....

I may have to turn my blog into "Cooking Delicious Meals for Heart Patients".

Anyhow, hubby is out and doing fine. I have a vacation day today so since I need to cook something healthy for the hubster, I think I'm going to whip up my healthy version of Shrimp Scampi today. It's got lotsa goodies in it like fresh portabello mushrooms, fresh tomatoes, shrimps, olive oil and all kinds of little herbs and LOADS of garlic and WINE. All of my favorites.

Who the hell wants to eat bland fish and tasteless rice? I think NOT!

Hmmm. Maybe I should become a master at cooking good food for sick people!
I can do that you know.

I have recreated this recipe from a restaurant that we ate at in Napa Valley. I think I did a good job....try it and let me know!