Saturday, July 31, 2010

Wings, Dings and Other Things

So, again I am going to post something totally unrelated to my cooking, but funny as fuck.
So I figure, who gives a shit. I'll still post recipes and in between, I'll tell funny stories.

Met some friends tonight for some drinks and I actually ordered some food. Not that I'm a restaurant food snob or anything like that, I just don't normally eat things other people prepare....I'm odd like that. Not in a "straight jacket" kind of way, but still. I like to know where my shit comes from.

So, I order, get this, a Philly Cheese Steak Platter AND 6 Teriyaki wings! Holy shit. LOL. Too much food. I manage to choke down the cheese steak, which actually had some good meat. The fries were cold as shit and I had to go in search of my own ketchup. Who the hell gives someone a platter with fries and doesn't set a fucking bottle of ketchup on the table? UGH.

So, after I demolished the cheese steak platter, I managed to nibble on two of the wings and just couldn't eat anymore. So, I figured I'd take the rest home for the kids.... So, I motion for our waitress....I really didn't tell you what a skanky whore we had for a waitress, so I guess I'll start by talking about her now.

She kind of looked like Hulk Hogan, only with giant ass titties. But ugly titties. And she reminded me of another wrestler, but I don't remember his name. Let's just say, she had long, snarly hair, giant boobs, a shirt way too small and a face only a monkey's mother could love. So, she comes over, FINALLY, and says "Hon, (chomp chomp) Are ya dun wif dose wings? Hmmmmm" (kinda like Billy Bob Thorton in Slingblade...)

And I'm like, "um, yessir. I mean, ma'am. I'm done. But I'd like a box, I'll take the leftovers home to my kids."

I'm not shitting you. My best friend Adriann, sitting right beside me heard the entire conversation and so did Jill, to my right. So, this trailer trash waitress with the gigantic scary boobs, takes my plate of wings and proceeds to throw them in the trash.

I'm like. What the fuck? So, I look around to see if anyone else notices, because my jaw is kind of on the floor, but I'm trying to be cool. In a Sue kind of way cool and Adriann says, "Did that bitch just throw your wings in the garbage?"

"Uh, hell yes....But she brought you a fucking box for your wings!"

What the fuck am I? Chopped liver?

So, hearing all of this, the girls we were with yell "Hey! (to the manager) that waitress THREW OUR FRIENDS WINGS OUT!! Get her some more wings!"

LMAO. The manager comes over and apologizes and says "I don't know what happened. SHE IS REALLY GOOD!."

I look at him and say "I can fuckin see that!"

So, I got a free order of wings to go.

Well, I thought it was funny anyhow.

Friday, July 30, 2010

New Recipes

And so today I am posting more recipes in between trying to work my 9-5 job.  As a reminder, some of the recipes are my own ORIGINAL recipes- some of which, have been published. Others are recipes that I found somewhere, tried out and decided they were worthy of reposting.  Or, I may have eaten something at a restaurant and decided to try to recreate it at home.  I promise I won't post a shitty recipe.

Some are easy and some are time consuming, but if you read my cooking tips you should have no problems.

Ciao Bella

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Vodka and Toast

I'm still  trying to figure out this obsession that Americans have with eating three meals a day. I mean, what the shit? I don't need three meals a day to survive and I know for a fact that 3/4 of all Americans definitely don't need three meals a day.

Just look at their fat asses when they pass you on the street.

I want to scream, "'Stop! Lay off the Chipotle and KFC you fat asses!" But, I hold it back.  Sometimes I do have restraint. bothers me. All of those muffin tops. Good Lord. If you are going to try to cram your size 22 butt into size 12 jeans at least put on something that covers that flab!

I have a wonderful family, I truly do. But the men in my family expect three meals a day. Every day. So, I've been cooking for my family for like, lets just say, 20 years now.  Luckily, the men in my family have a high metabolism and are in no way close to being fat asses but just think about it.

20 years of three meals a day. That's a lot of fucking food.  I get tired of cooking three meals a day.

Even my dog expects three meals a day now.  Sorry Boomer, but you are turning into a lard ass.  As I type this, he is knocking his bowl around the kitchen and barking at it. He wants more food. Well tough shit, it's time to put the kebash on the kibbles and bits.

You want to know why Europeans are so damn skinny? Beside the cigarettes, casual sex, pot smoking and heavy drinking??

They don't eat three squares a day. That's why.

They have a late breakfast and a late dinner dinner. That's it.  All you need.  Well, that and a few bottles.  So tell me.... why are Americans so obsessed with getting their damn three meals a day? I have no freaking idea.

I'd be satisfied with vodka and toast for dinner. Yessir. Pop in two slices of toast and chase it down with a vodka shooter. Dinner is served.

Done with.
Bon Appetit!

No cooking, no mess, no setting the table, no clean up. Wipe the crumbs off the counter and put the bottle of Vodka back behind the washing machine.  I'm in bed by nine and feelin fine.

But that's just me.

How bad does your cooking suck?

Not only does her cooking suck, but so does her taste in lingerie!

Photos from my kitchen....

Whipping up my version of Applebee's Three Cheese Chicken Penne Sauce

Always with the bottle of white.

Baking cookies at Sue's house during Christmas Break

It's cookie hell, but that's ok. I have my wine.

So, this year my daughter baked the gingerbread men. She thought they were rather fat so we had to figure out something to do with them. Below was our creation.

Cartman the Christmas Gingerbread Man!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fast food?

This has nothing to do with my cooking, but had to post this story.

So, I go to Mc Donalds the other day for a quick hangover fix. Gotta have the soda and grease. It works every time.

So, I go through the drive thru and place my usual order: Cheeseburger-NO pickles, small fry and a small coke....I pull around and there is a Dumb ass waiting for me with a dumb look on his dumb face and no smile. (whatever happened to service with a smile?) I smile my biggest smile, give him my money and get my change.

Then the guy hands me my coke and closes the window. No Straw! I'm like, "What the fuck?" So, I rap on the window and say "Dude, can I get a straw?" Dumb ass looks at me and says "It will be in the bag." So, I say, "Dude! I want to drink my coke now, can I please have a straw?" AGAIN, Dumb ass says "It will be in the bag." Well great, so I say, "Dude, but I'm thirsty now!" He looks at me, "Your food will be right up." Ok, so Whatever.

So, then I say, "Well, can I have 4 ketchups?" He just looks at me with this blank stare. So, I persist, a bit louder this time "CAN I HAVE FOUR KETCHUPS?" Guess what he says? "They'll be in the bag." So, I roll my eyes and try really hard not to be sarcastic.

Dumb ass hands me the bag and I open it. I do this to check the fries (and to make sure my straw and ketchup are there). They ALWAYS give me cold, shitty fries. So, I open the bag and sure enough, there they are: cold, shitty fries. So, I say to Dumb ass "Dude, can I get fries that were made AFTER the birth of Christ please?" AGAIN with the blank stare.

Oh screw it anyway. So I hand back the bag and tell him I'll WAIT thank you very much, for HOT fries. I'm not eating cold, shitty fries with this hangover. So, 12 minutes later, I finally get my hot food, my ketchup and my straw.

I'm not sure if there is a moral or not, but there definitely was a moron. Now, I have seen "Waiting" and "Road Trip", so I know that I am taking my life into my own hands by complaining about the food, but I don't care at this point. I just want some hot, greasy food.

Mc Donald's is going to hell in a handbasket. I've no doubt Ray Kroc would be rolling in his grave if he saw what went on at Mc Donalds today.

Little weiners....yes you CAN do good things with little weiners.

If someone had told me that I would ever enjoy a Little Weiner, I'd have spit my drink all over them. But... let me tell you, I stumbled across a recipe using Little Weiners and it turned out to be one of my favorites. Everyone asks for the recipe and I think you will too.

Three of the best things in life are in this recipe:


I'm not kidding. I will post my Little Weiner recipe under appetizers. Try it out and then let me know if you also come to enjoy Little Weiners.

Oh the little things in life......

My beef tenderloin experiment you know by know, I love love love to cook beef tenderloin.
Especially when I can find it on the cheap. Nothing can beat it. Screw Sirloin, I say if you can find Tenderloin like I can for 3.99 a pound, grab your damn money and buy as much of it as you can.

So...I thought I would try tenderloin on the grill vs tenderloin slow roasted in the oven. Well, fuck it. Don't bother. It was a huge waste of time trying to saute my mushrooms and garlic in the kitchen and keep running outside to make sure my meat wasn't on fire. There was no difference in taste and just a very minimal difference in texture. Save yourself the trouble and just keep slow roasting in the oven.

It's also hard to drink a nice glass of Pinot Gris while you are running in and out. I kept leaving my glass by the grill, so finally I gave up and poured another glass to keep by the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say that bottle went FAST. Used to be one bottle of wine would be satisfactory while I'm cooking, now I'm well on my way to two. Sometimes I wonder if they've made a slight adjustment to the size of the bottle like they did with the orange juice?! Wouldn't doubt it, sneaky bastards.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Shitty Tequila Lime Chicken

So, I made some Tequila Lime Chicken last night which I was really excited about cooking as I had never made it before. I even ran out on my lunch hour to buy some tequila for the recipe.

Well, I followed the recipe and I'm just not sure what went wrong, but it really sucked! I mean, it wasn't "throw up in your mouth" kind of sucky, but it just didn't taste, I don't know, what is the word I'm looking for.....Good. It just didn't taste good!

I hate it when I run out and buy a bunch of ingredients and spend a shitload of money and then the recipe turns out sucking. I guess this is why I'm really careful about the recipes I post here.

Needless to say, I won't be posting this recipe any time soon.

What I should have done was chugged the rest of the bottle of tequila and made some hotdogs, but I served the food anyhow. Everyone ate it, but not with that usual gusto I see when I know I've knocked a recipe out of the park.

Live and Learn.....

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Julia's Crepes..finally

Well, I finally sat down and typed up one of Julia's crepe recipes.
I hope you enjoy it. You'll notice that the recipe (as well as mine), contains BUTTER. Please go back to one of my first posts about BUTTER. Read it well and remember, if you substitute margarine (gag) for butter in ANY of these recipes, I'm sorry, but it just won't be as good. Butter is king and don't forget it.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Paper Towels

So, I'll admit it. Along with wine, vodka or anything containing alcohol for that matter, I am obsessed with paper towels. Funny thing, huh? Paper towels.

I'm a pretty fussy cook and I like to be clean. So, nothing is more annoying or DISGUSTING than finding hair, fur or dustballs in your food. Or anyone ELSE's food for that matter. Especially my mom's, but that is another story.

Whenever I cook, I forgo the hand towel in favor of the paper towel for one main reason. There is not crap all stuck to my paper towels like what happens to the average hand towel laying around the kitchen. No matter what I touch or wipe, I use a paper towel. Even when I take CLEAN dishes out of the cupboard, I still wipe them with a paper towel.

My daughter thought I had kind of lost it when I was explaining this to her but, AHA, I caught her doing it the last time she made cookies. She finally understood my reasoning after trying to grease down a pan with hands that she just dried off with a hand towel...she saw it in the grease.... Little bits of...STUFF!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a slob. I DO wash my towels, but I'm a realist too. I have pets. And kids. The average hand towel laying on your counter is going to collect hair, fur or dust. Do you want to see your guest take a mighty bite out of some glorious dish you just prepared and then open their mouth and pull out half of a hair? I say, Fuck no! OMG, yuck!

I've yet to have a dinner guest complain to me that they found a follicle in their food. At least if they have, they didn't have the balls to tell me so.

Bounty rocks my socks.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Crepes, the easy way out

So, I have looked and looked and finally found the BEST recipe for crepes ever. Even when I went to the West Side Market in Cleveland and had the so-called fucking Crepe King stand behind us in the crepe line and proclaim his crepe sauce the best of all time, I still thought, fuck you Crepe King. Julia rules...and my sister and I are fucking tired of listening to you brag about your stupid ass crepe recipe. I have already found the BEST crepe recipe. So, my poor sister had to sit and listen while this self absorbed man attempted to tell her why his crepe batter was best. UGH.

So, I will repost Julia's recipe (which after at least 10 recipe attempts is the best) but first, I'll post mine, which I have to admit is my own little baby recipe, that in a pinch, I make, almost every night when I have the muchies for crepes. It's very easy. But you kind of have to know how to make a crepe, or at the very least a freaking pancake! It just takes practice.

Vodka and sauce or is that redundant?

So, once upon a time. I went with my sister for lunch. We went to a very fancy mall and ate at a place called Brio. My lunch cost 42.00. I'm not shitting you. So. When I ate their very delicate ravioli with the pasta alla vodka sauce, I HAD to figure out how to duplicate it.

So, I have.

And I will share it with you.

You don't have to be a genius or have many ingredients on hand. So here it is. It will kick your ass! It will be listed under Main Dishes.