Thursday, September 19, 2013

Princess Arabella and Booze

So, today has been a smelly shitfest of bunches of shitty things. What shitty things do you ask? Wellllll, let's start off with Chicago O'Hare. Chicago O'Hare has got to be THE giantest vagina of vagina airports. It constantly closes. Today at 11:04 a.m. a moth farted. It did. And the airport shut down. It fucking shut down. I had 8 calls in a row with people stuck all over the Northern Hemisphere who were trying to connect via O'Pussy Hare.

Because of the moth. Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly JUST a moth. There was a storm. OMG. A storm. So the airport shuts down and basically fucks up EVERYBODY's day. Especially mine. You have no idea how many people I said, "Just cool your heels and have a drink" to....I did. And mostly they agreed.....

At the end of my shitfest of a day, I decided to walk to my mailbox and see if the 3 million dollar check I've been waiting for has arrived and take my stupid dog with me. Well, I poured a glass of wine and wait...I will copy the story from my Facebook post. Let me get it.....

                                                       Arabella and The Groundhog

Once upon a time there was a girl named Sue. Wait, let's make it Arabella. Arabella is a much better name. So, Once upon a time, there was a girl named Arabella. Arabella had a very long, irritating day at work dealing with stupid fucks and all she wanted to do when she was done was to take a bath in a giant glass of Pinot Grigio. When Arabella got off work, she went to the kitchen to pour her wine and since she was hungry she decided to find something to eat. Arabella was fresh out of Caviar so instead, she elected to have some animal crackers. They were golden animal crackers. With sprinkles. While Arabella was getting her wine and crackers ready, her annoying dog named Beau (because I'm mad at Boomer right now) was incessantly whining to go outside. Since Arabella's $3 million dollar check hadn't come in the mail yet, she decided she would take her wine, her crackers and her whiny dog for a walk to the mail box. As Arabella was balancing her wine glass in one hand and the dog leash and golden crackers in her other hand, out of nowhere jumped a stupid motherfucking ground hog. Before Arabella could say "shit" Beau decided to chase that motherfucker and dragged Arabella behind him as she screamed obscenities and tried to save her wine. Alas, the wine couldn't be saved and the crackers were tossed upon the lawn. While stifling a sob, Arabella shouted out into the night, "I will be back you motherfucker groundhog. With a shotgun and you will pay!" And with that, Arabella turned in her lovely Laboutins, gave Beau a swift kick in the ass and tottered back to the house for more wine. (a kinda sorta true story)f
And there it is. The beginning of Arabella. But the good news is that Arabella gets better the more she drinks. And I did have some wine. I would have had more had my husband decided to bring home more than just a bottle of RED. He knows I hate RED. So what does he do, week after week? He walks in the door with Red. Hog.  I call party foul. The only good thing is that I know how to PLAN AHEAD.  I bought white on my lunch break. So, I'm prepared. Sort of. So, with my white, I shall blog again. I promise to be funny again.

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