Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I don't cook shit anymore!

So, just when my blog started to become popular I realized that I never cook anymore. As a matter of fact I rarely even eat anymore. I'm in such a funk. I miss cooking and talking about it.  Now that my husband is on this shitty Vegan, but worse than Vegan diet, I rarely eat and I feel terrible because I have no idea what anything I'm serving him tastes like.

Imagine this. I used to cook some fabulous meals. Delicious meals you could buy in a restaurant but maybe can't afford to do all the time, so I would research the recipes, copy them and recreate them at home. Cooking and drinking were my two favorite things to do. Well, beside sex, but you get my point.

Now, I have to watch every little thing my husband eats if I want to keep him alive, which is why I started a new blog called "I have to cook WHAT?", and it's REALLY hard. I mean how many fucking things can you do with beans and rice? Not a whole hell of a lot. Ditto that with soy meat, soy milk, soy yogurt and rice. Oh sure, you can cook vegetables a million ways but if you consider the list of things my husband CAN'T eat, you would be shocked.  So, listen to this.  No meat. No poultry. No fish. No turkey (I know its poultry, but a lot of people forget that.) Nothing dairy, and I mean nothing. No milk, no eggs, no butter, no margarine, no yogurt.  No OIL! Not even olive oil.
Did you know olive oil isn't as healthy for you as they make you think?

It takes me 11 teen hundred hours to shop because I have to read every label and it's also fucking expensive to buy healthy shit.  So, you may wonder, what CAN I cook these days? Hmmm. Let's see......steamed or baked vegetables, rice, beans, veggie wraps with no kind of dressings, wheat crust pizzas with sauteed veggies, salad with only fat free dressings with no oil....oh yes, it's a nightmare.  AND to top it all off, I eat NONE of this crap. None of it. Plus it disgusts me. So, while I'm cooking it, John's lucky if I even stick a teeny part of my finger in it to taste it, so 99 percent of the shit I put in front of him likely tastes just like that. Like shit.  Ooh, I found a soy meat substitute which I can't even begin to describe, but if I mix it with Manwich, it kind of makes sloppy joes.  I've found ONE cake recipe that is completely vegan and it's actually pretty good, but other than that it all sucks.

I miss cooking. I mean REALLY cooking. And now I'm an empty nester. Everybody is pretty much out of the house so there is nobody to cook extravagantly for.  So, I never eat.   Except for breakfast on most days.  So, I have lost a lot of weight and hey, the hubby is still alive and hasn't been in the hospital for 10 months, so I'm doing something right.

So, I kind of came to the conclusion that perhaps I would just start writing about OTHER people who cook and shit like that.  Until I can start cooking again. If that ever happens.  Perhaps I'll just start using my cooking blog to talk about other stuff. Fun stuff. Like the dog shit all over the house that I spent my morning cleaning up. Some people tell me my life should be a sitcom and they're probably right.  I told my husband I wanted to write a book, that I had a lot of good stories to tell and he said, "Well you're not going to talk about our lives are you?"  Um. No.  That never crossed my mind.  I'm thinking I'll need to come up with a pseudonym cause I've got lots of good stories.  But, I'll have to start drinking pretty regularly again because I write much better with a raging buzz. So, hopefully you'll see some more stories out of me soon.  I'll be working on it, right after I clean up the last of Boomer's poop.

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